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March 29th, 2006
01:49 pm
The Silent Ranks
I wear no uniform, no blues or army greens.
But I am in the military in the ranks rarely seen.
I have no rank upon my shoulders.
Salutes I do not give.
But the military world is the place where I live.
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get.
But my husband is the one who does, this I cannot forget.
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, nor put my life upon the line.
But my job is just as tough, I'm the one that's left behind.
My husband is a patriot, a brave and proud man
And the call to serve his country, not all can understand.
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free.
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me.
I love the man I married. Soldiering is his life.
But I stand among the silent ranks, known as the military wife.
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January 27th, 2006
12:39 pm
Autumn's birthday party went well. The house was packed, and she made out like a bandit so I guess that's a plus. Everyone got along, and I tried to socialize with everyone the best I could, but it is hard now trying to talk with everyone and at the same time take care of Autumn. I didn't really get to talk to my cousins now that I think about it, but I can't stress over it now because it is done and over with.
I ended up getting the flu that night though, so that sucked. I am just now getting to feeling back to normal, though my stomach is still acting kind of weird every now and then. It's frustrating. I feel as though I've brought an epicemic to all those I love lol. Bob got sick right after me, Autumn had puked the morning of her birthday so I'm not sure if that was her dose of it or just a fluke, I'm praying she doesn't get more sick. Mom had it and now Eileen has it, she just called this morning to inform me. Mom had to call in to work on Monday to help me with Autumn because I just couldn't do it. I was in the bathroom constantly and when I wasn't in there, I was sleeping. It was awful. Then Mom ended up coming home sick on Wednesday from work because she was sick. I feel so bad. I hope no one else gets sick.
7 days til I leave now. Amazing how fast everything goes. This week has felt so wasted to me because I had to cancel plans a couple times with people, and who knows if I'll be able to fit them back in this week. I can't believe it is almost over. I'm starting to feel not ready to go now that it is creeping up on me so quickly. That and I really don't want to make the stupid long drive. And I'm nervous about how it will go, because now Brandy said Emily Richardson might come along too, and I will have to figure out a sleeping situation, and work with the money I do have...rah. I don't know. I wish we would get the stupid reenlistment money in the bank. Figures our luck will be that it will come in February when I don't really need the extra money as badly. Our taxes are supposedly going to be in the bank on the 3rd and that would help a lot. Guess I'll just have to wait and see. And pray.
Ok, gotta get some stuff done. Wanted to update real quick.
Peace-love-monkeys
xoxo
( interesting thing )
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January 19th, 2006
12:11 am
It's been such a long time since I actually wrote a real entry in here. Over a month to be exact. Things have just been so crazy busy that I haven't really had time.
I cannot even believe that in just 16 days I will be making the trip back home. It doesn't feel like I've been here for over a month and a half. The time always goes so quickly. I guess to a point that is a good thing for me right now because I haven't been going through the days at a snail's pace and constantly dwelling on Rich being gone. However the sad part is that this precious time Autumn and I have had with all of our family and friends is coming to a close and it is never easy to say goodbye.
I have been doing okay with the whole Iraq deployment thing. I mean, as good as I can be considering my husband is over there and that we're losing all of this time that we could be spending together. I think that the hardest part of all of this is the blackouts. When something happens over there that affects people in his unit or area or whatever (i.e. suicide, death, something that would require next of kin to be notified) they aren't allowed to have any communication with us back home. No emails, no phone calls, no IM's. That is the worst because even though I am pretty sure that Rich is safe, and his job isn't as dangerous as others are, it is a harsh reality that something COULD happen, and I can't just ignore that fact. If I did that and something did happen to him I think I would lose it completely and my sanity would perhaps be gone and never return. Whether my friends and family here want to face it or not, I have no choice- my husband is in the middle of a fucking war. He isn't on a trip to the Bahamas relaxing on a beach with a fruity drink. He's in a shitty environment, with people that continuously frustrate him beyond means, and he's without any family or close friends to comfort him at any time of the day. He's on a schedule. He's being told when to eat, shit and sleep and I hate that he can't come home to me after a hard day and vent and lay in my arms and have all of his anger and frustration just wash away. He is in a place that has taken so many lives I can't even make myself type the ever growing number that is publised every week in the Army Times newspaper we receive at home. Anything could happen to him, not just if he goes out on a convoy. There have been 3 helicopter crashes all recently, and who can guarantee me that one wont happen to crash into the building he is in?? No one can. Just like no one could have guaranteed that two planes would never crash into the twin towers in NYC the way that they did on my birthday 4 years ago. I'm so tired of everyone telling me I'm overreacting by simply being concerned when I don't hear from my husband for over two days. I'm tired of them telling me that I ought to expect it and deal because that's what we "signed up for". Quite frankly, I'm just so tired. Its so stressful to keep all the feelings locked up because that is just easier than trying to explain and defend myself when I try to confide in someone about what is going on. It's so exhausting to worry and constantly sign online to see if he's on, or if he managed to send me an email only to have my heart beating so fast then come to a sudden halt when I see there's nothing from him and he's not there and then my stomach sinks. I know this is the life we chose but that doesn't make this any easier to get through. Sometimes I wonder if I can handle a whole year's worth of blackouts and stress. Sometimes I just hate that so many people don't understand even the half of it when it comes to being an Army wife. I guess that is something I will have to accept. My family and friends may never know the right thing to say or do, and they may never fully understand the reality of everything I am going through, and worse yet- what Rich is going through over there in Hell.
Ok, new subject. Rich and I have decided that instead of waiting until August for him to take his 15 days leave, he is going to come home in May. I can't wait to see him and I hope that time goes by quickly for both of us and that we can be together again. Even if it just for a little while, that will be plenty of time to tide us over until he comes home in December (this is me being ever the optimist-haha, I can't believe I just said that about myself- and assuming that the government will stay true to it's word and bring his unit home after the year they are supposed to spend there).
Brandy is also still committed to going back to Texas with me. I'm so excited that I wont be alone for this year!! And Roo is making the drive to Kansas with me. I wish she could go the whole way, but she does have student teaching and stuff to do so I'm just thankful she's going to help with what she can because I know that a drive to Kansas and a plane trip back the next day isn't exactly an ideal way to spend a weekend, lol.
We got Autumn's pictures done today. They turned out SO great. I am so happy with the way they were done. She looked so cute, of course, but the photographer was awesome with her and she really got some cute poses of Autumn. Of course I had the worst time deciding which poses to buy, so I pretty much got most of them lol. It was so worth it though, I mean come on, it was her first professional pictures! These could totally come in handy if she decides to be a model, headshots are a must and I could start her portfolio now. Just kidding...sorta.
I guess I should end now, this is a pretty long entry. Not that anyone reads this anyway. I suppose it is more for my own benefit.
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
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January 13th, 2006
09:01 pm
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December 14th, 2005
03:40 pm - It's raining, it's pouring...
It's raining today. I suppose Texas is trying to prepare me for the crappy weather I'm going to have in Michigan next week. But it's killing me because I love the weather here. I have always known that I hated the cold, but I seem to forget just how much I hate it until I'm in it again. We had some cold days here this past week and a half. One day my pipes froze because it got down to 20 degrees that night. They were working at 3am, and when I went to use the water at 9am I didn't have any. It was horrible. There wasn't anything I could do except to "open" the pipes by turning on all the faucets. I didn't end up having water again until 3:15pm. It sucked. I had to go to my neighbor's and wash Autumn's dishes over there. You just don't think of things like that when you live in a state that's usually so warm. And then dealing with the cold here made me really start to dread the cold I'm about to have to embrace when I head back to the home state. I don't even have any shoes. Just flip flops, and while I usually wear them in the winter irregardless, I don't feel that it is safe for me to do so since I'll be carrying a baby around when I'm outside and when the top of my flip flops get wet from the snow I almost always slip on them and lose my balance and nearly fall on my ass. I don't want to risk that with Autumn, so it's time I invest in some kind of stable shoes. At least some with good traction.
Rich left on the night of the 3rd. Earlier than we had been first told. I've been handling it ok I guess. I'm a little extra emotional, but I think a lot of it is that this time of year makes you want to be sharing it with the ones you love, and knowing that he's alone over there without his family and that he's missing out on all that I'll be experiencing makes me so sad. I also tear up whenever I see something on tv about soldiers in Iraq or our troops. And when I hear Christmas music. Damn holiday spirit. I miss him so much, and I'm already starting to appreciate the little things, like being able to kiss him whenever I want to and the way he always makes me laugh. The thing that makes it most sad is knowing how long it will be until I see him again- probably about 8½ months from now, assuming he can take his leave in August to come back for 15 days- that is when it really hits me that this isn't just him being gone for a month.
He's called me three times now since he's been gone. That's been hard as well. I'm used to talking to him every day. Even when he was in California he called me every night. And since the phones are down over there when he does get to call he only has 10 minutes to talk because they are letting the guys use some kind of phone that's not normally used for personal calls. Kind of like a business line. And of course there are a lot of people who want to use it so they have to keep the calls short. It's so hard to remember all the things I wanted to tell him in that short amount of time. I've been writing him every day as well, because that's the best way for me to assure that he'll know all the things I wanted to tell him but couldn't. It's already 17 pages long and since I won't have an address for him until probably January it may very well be 30 pages by the time he gets it. At least it will keep him busy in his spare time. He's doing well over there though. He said they are trying to keep the Christmas spirit and morale up for the soldiers. I guess they put red and green table cloths out for the guys. And apparently they had the 4th ID band deploy with them so they can play for the soldiers on Christmas. Nice thought, but I don't think the guys care that much. Rich said it doesn't make him feel any happier and that he just wants to be home with us. I hate how hard it is for him to be there.
Rich did give me some good news though, and I hope that it stands to be true. He told me that yesterday started the first of the 365 days they are supposed to be there. If for some reason the Army wants them there longer than that year, they have to explain to Congress just why they need to remain over there. Which is great, because they shouldn't have any spectacular reason. Another group will be going over for rotation, so there's not any need to keep our guys over there longer. Rich's unit is responsible for training the Iraqi Army, so it should be well on it's way by this time next year. I think that would be so fabulous if he could be home this time next year. What a fantastic Christmas present that would be for Autumn and me. He would be able to be here for her second Christmas and her second birthday. I'm praying that he can be and that they follow through with this.
Hopefully the next couple months will go by fast. It's already been flying by, which is a relief. He's already been gone 11 days and it doesn't even feel like a week has passed. I know my time in Michigan will go by quickly because it always does. It is kind of nice because so many people want to spend time with us that it fills my schedule up and doesn't allow much time for sitting around watching the clock. Then February will be here before I know it and I'll be back in Texas with Brandy and I know that having her here will help to make the time go by a little faster as well. Being alone can be well, lonely. Autumn is great company but she goes down for naps and goes to sleep and then I'm left to my own devices. And she doesn't really give me much feedback in a conversation. At least not much feedback that I can understand anyway.
Oh and in other news, Joni has moved back to her home state, and now Michelle has decided that this weekend she is going to move back home and have her baby there instead of waiting and doing it here. So now I am going to be officially alone lol. Having no friends sucks.
Miss you all.
Miss Rich.
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
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November 10th, 2005
10:02 am
I can't believe how fast the weeks are flying by. I know I say this like every entry, but seriously it's just insane.
Not much longer now and it will be Thanksgiving. I'm cooking my own dinner this year. It's the first time I've ever done it. I'm excited, and nervous. I hope that it turns out alright. I got my dad's stuffing recipe so that should be good, and I'm going to make green bean casserole for Rich because he loves it, and I don't know yet if I want to just bake some sweet potatoes or actually make yams, or have mashed potatoes...so much to decide. It will be nice though, our first Thanksgiving as a family. And it will be fun because Autumn can eat the real food now. She's been loving the "big people" food we let her eat off of our plates. I'm so happy that Rich will at least be here for Thanksgiving. That's my favorite holiday, so that makes it a little more special as well.
He's leaving on the 5th of December. Not many days left. I'm trying to avoid counting them. I just want to enjoy this time I have with him right now. He is taking leave from the 17th until the 23rd and then he will have a 4 day weekend for Thanksgiving, so that's helped us to know that we'll have all that time to be together without him having to go in to work.
Our two year anniversary is on the 22nd of this month. It is crazy to think we've already been married for two years. It sort of seems like longer. I feel like I've been with him all my life. I guess that's how you know you're meant to be. We are going to go out to dinner that night. I do this MyPoints thing online, and you get these emails every day and if you just go to the website that they are offering you get 5 points. If you actually do the offer (which we have several times..in fact I used them to get my cell phones through Cingular and got 2000 points) anyway, you get different amounts of points for different offers you do, and then you can redeem them. So I redeemed mine and got $50 gift certificate for Red Lobster, that way we don't have to pay for our dinner. I'm excited. We haven't been out to dinner alone since April. And the other cool part is that Robbie and Joni are going to watch Autumn for us and we won't have to pay them. Kind of as a favor back to us since we watched their daughter overnight when Joni gave birth to their little boy last month. It's going to be nice though, just to spend some one on one time with Rich and not have to worry about Autumn, and actually be out of the house somewhere eating food I didn't have to cook.
Rich's sisters are coming down here to see Rich off, though there's a chance they won't actually see him off since they have to leave here by 3pm on the 5th (monday) so the one sister can be home in time for her husband to go to work so she can take care of the kids. Why she can't work something out to where there would be some one else to help with them, or why Joe can't seem to ask for that day off is beyond me, but whatever. So I'm waiting to hear back from Karen to see if she will be able to make it down here. She told me she doesn't want me to be alone the day Rich leaves, or the day after, so she wants to try and be here with me since no one else can. I'm still a little peeved about his sisters because as it is, we had to call them and request their presence here. They didn't just want to come and see their little brother go off to war, we had to ask them to come down to help me out with Autumn and be with me and see him one last time. They knew what day he was going to leave, and they not once mentioned wanting to see him one last time before he left. Especially after they knew that we weren't going to have the money to make it up to Kansas for Thanksgiving, they still didn't bother to try and set up a visit. Whatever. If my little brother was going off to war I would damn sure be going to see him before he left. He would not have to call me and ask me to come help his wife out! Rich's family is just so different than mine. That makes it hard for me sometimes because their whole dynamic is so different than what I am used to. They aren't very close, they don't talk that much and when they are together it is just...I don't know, not what I'm used to I guess. So hopefully Karen will be able to make it out. I'm praying that she can.
Rich has duty tonight. Kind of sucks. He was supposed to have it next week though which would have pissed me off more because they were going to try and have him do it on the 17th and that isn't fair since he's supposed to be on leave then. Just because he isn't leaving town that doesn't mean you can make someone work on their vacation day that they earned. So I told him to try and switch it, so he switched it for tonight. I'm sad he wont be here to sleep with, but it's alright. He is getting a 4 day weekend this weekend because of Veteran's Day anyway, so we'll have some extra time together.
Ok, I've got to get in the shower before I run out of time since Autumn is napping now.
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Sugar We're Going Down Swinging
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November 8th, 2005
01:07 pm
| You scored as Hot. You are Hot, you scream and are wild, people love doing anything sexual with you.
Hot | | 88% | Soft | | 81% | Exciting | | 75% | Sweet | | 63% | Wet | | 50% | Violent | | 50% | Awkward | | 13% | Shy | | 0% | </td>
What is your sexual style?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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October 25th, 2005
11:43 am
I had a great weekend. Rich and I took Autumn down to the park on Saturday. It's this fabulous park and it's only like half a block away. They have several sets of swings, and a slide and a lot of picinic areas and a duck pond with it's very own ducks! So we gave Autumn her very first swing ride. She seemed to like it. Then Rich took her down the slide with him, and she really liked that. We let her play in the grass, but the grass here in Texas is pretty much dead and prickly so she wasn't digging that too much. Then we took her to the duck pond and showed her all the ducks. After that we were walking home and decided to explore a little street that goes off of our street. We thought it was always just a dead end neighborhood, but it turns out it is a beautiful long road with lots of hills and the most beautiful houses. It is a neighborhood like I want to live in one day. With nice people, who actually smiled at us and said hello. You don't find that much around here. Just another reason I hate this place. So we walked all the way down it (about a mile) and it went to the main road that connects to our street. We got a good workout with all of the hills. We decided we'd do it every day. It is nice to get out of the house. I didn't realize just how much of a prisoner I felt like being in this house all day long every day. I only go out to get the mail, and that's not much of an outing. Aside from that, the only time i leave is when I go to the store and it is usually once Rich gets home since he has the car at work all day long.
We did the walk again on Sunday, even though it was pretty cold. It was 48 that morning and when we went on our walk it was in the 60's. It wouldn't have been bad, but there was some fierce wind going on and that made it pretty chilly. But we had fun, and the fresh air did us all some good.
Autumn had her doctor's appointment yesterday. She's grown like a weed of course. Two whole inches in thirteen days. It's insane. I wonder if they make her formula with miracle grow or something. Who knows. She's getting so big though it's insane. But her weight has slowed down. She's in the 50th percentile now with weight. The doctor told me to start giving her more actual meals (fruit, veggies etc) since she's growing so fast she has to have a lot of nutrients. We're starting her on more real foods. She loves cheerios, mac and cheese, potatoes, cheese, crackers and applesauce. I think I am going to start just putting some of our food in the blender to puree it and give it to her. It will be a lot cheaper than buying the baby food all the time. It is just so stinking expensive. At the regular store her jars of baby food run 43-48 cents each. But when we were shopping on base at the comissary Sunday, we found that her baby food is only 27 cents there, so we're going to have to start shopping there to get it. It will help save some money.
I cannot believe that it is already almost the end of October. The month has just flown by. We ordered Autumn a Halloween costume online. I can't wait until it gets here. I hate Halloween, because it was the night my Gramz died, but I can't keep Autumn from enjoying it, nor do I want to. So we decided to get her a costume. Especially since it is her first Halloween, and Rich is actually here so I wanted him to see her dressed up. We aren't actually going trick-or-treating, but we wanted to dress her up then take lots of pictures to send to everyone. She's going to be so cute!
There's a big part of me that is just getting more and more excited to go home. I still feel horribly guilty for looking forward to December, because I know that means Rich has to leave, and anyone who knows me should know that is the last thing I want to have happen, but the fact is, it is happening and there isn't anything I can do about it. I think I have to let myself look forward to going home and seeing everyone because it is going to help me get through the hard time of saying goodbye to Rich. It is something to keep in the back of my head- once this is over, I will be happy still. I have good things coming. Does that make sense?
I can't wait to see Niki on December 17th when she gets here. It has been so long since we've had time to spend with each other. The last time she visited was last December before Autumn made her appearance. This time will be fun too because it will be just us girls. I know we will only be here for 4 days before we start our trip back to Michigan, but I'm so looking forward to having her all to myself and to just chill. (Gilmore Girls seasons 2-5 here we come!) And I am excited about the road trip, even though I am a bit nervous because I have never made it without Rich and now I am the one who is going to have to know where I'm going lol. I know I'll be ok, it isn't like I have never drove the route before, but it's still a whole new experience. But the exciting part is that Niki and I always wanted to go on a road trip together, and now we are! Then I'll be home for a month and a half, and I could seriously just squeal with excitement. I'll have my car there from the get go, so this time I can go and visit anyone I want whenever I want. I'm just so excited for everyone to see Autumn and how big and different she is now from the last time. And for Autumn to meet Scotty (and for me to meet him too). He's going to be 8 months old when we get there, and we'll be arriving the day Autumn turns 11 months old, so they are going to have so much fun playing together. She loves playing with other babies. And I want them to be close and friends. I know how awesome it can be to grow up with a cousin who's so close to your age. My cousin Jenna and I were like that, and I am glad Autumn will have cousins her age too. Her, Vincent and Scotty will all get to play together as the years go on.
Ok, I'm starving, and Autumn is blessing me with a two hour nap, so I have to go eat before she wakes up.
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
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October 6th, 2005
02:34 pm - Tick, tock...
Time is such an amazing thing. It goes by so fast, yet at the same time so slowly. While that makes absolutely no sense at all- it's true.
Rich is home. I'm so happy, but so sad at the same time. Our days seem to be melting into one another and disolving faster than we can enjoy them. I feel like my time with him is slipping away from me so fast, and I keep trying to hold on to it but it's just impossible. When he's at work it's like the day couldn't go any slower, but when he comes home it's as if we're on hyperdrive all the time. Before we know it, it's time for bed and then we're up the next morning and he's gone again.
They told him that supposedly (as always) now he is not going to be in the advanced party going to Iraq. That now he's slated to go mid December. Doesn't make me feel any better. I hate not having an exact date. Trying to get someone out here to be with me is rather hard to do when I can't tell them a date so they can purchase a plane ticket. According to the commander, Rich will leave sometime around the 9th, 10th, 14th of December. Big difference between the 9th and the 14th if you ask me. I want more information. I'm scared I will be alone that day. Niki is coming on the 17th, but he will already be gone then, and she's already purchased her ticket (THANK GOD!! I have something to look forward to). Karen is trying really hard to get here, but she needs to know dates and I can't give them to her. If Rich really is leaving closer to Christmas, that means it is pretty unlikely my mom can make it out. So many people take time off where she works around Christmas, and they have this vacation book that goes out in the beginning of the year and you can't add to it once it's turned back in, so she obviously didn't put in for this time off which means it's quite possible she'll be denied due to lack of people there to fill in for her.
This whole thing is so exhausting and frustrating. I could scream and cry all day long if I allowed myself to. My emotions are worse than when I was pregnant. I go from one extreme to another. Mad one minute that he has to go and then almost grief stricken the next. I like it better when I can be mad- it's easier to hold back the tears that way.
Rich is having such a hard time with this coming up. He's been so emotional since he got home, and I can't say a damn thing to make him feel better. I hate that. He holds Autumn and sometimes will just break down, and it kills me. I want to make it easier for him, but I don't know how to. I can't even expect him to be ok with it. Hell, I'm not ok with it. I don't want him to go, and I know how much harder it will be on him than it will be on me. I will be at home with Autumn able to go see my family and watch her change and grow. He will only experience that through pictures and videos. It's not even close to the same, as much as we wish it were.
I am just so fucking lost. I want this next year to be over with so he will be home and we can move to another state and have a fresh start. So many other things are going on and it's just time to get out of here. I hate the people here, I hate the things that happen that cause problems for Rich and I in our marriage, and we just need out of this god forsaken place. It's always one thing after another. One wound healed and then ripped open again and again and I just can't take it anymore. I'm just tired of it all. So much more than I can explain. Or rather, than I want to explain. I'd just prefer to keep it to myself.
So much to deal with. I need my best friend here.
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September 12th, 2005
11:57 am - Gonna party like it's my birthday
So yesterday was the birthday. I'm a whopping 22 years old now. Yay.
Wasn't very fabulous though I felt very loved. I recieved a crap load of phone calls from everyone, which was really nice since the past couple years many people have forgotten. Two phone calls which were awesome were that of my uncle who just got out of prison and Lisa Brown. I haven't actually heard my uncles voice in about 4 years- just talked through letters while he was locked up. And then there's Lisa, who I haven't talked to in 5 years. It was so crazy and totally unexpected. It was nice to hear from her. We just kept saying how weird we sounded. She told me I sounded so grown up lol. Makes sense though since the last time we talked, we were 17. So much has happened and changed in our lives. It was cool. I'm glad we've gotten back in touch, and I'm happy that I started it by sending her a birthday card when she had hers back in July. I have been talking to her mom for the past year now but this was the first time we'd actually gotten back in touch. Hopefully we can keep this up again. It's funny because we always said we'd stay in touch when she moved to Southfield. We did well for a while. Then college started and that's when it ended.
Michelle spent the day with me. It was probably the first time since the guys have gone that she didn't totally make me want to kill her. Part of that is probably because I was on the phone most of the day with my friends and family. That helped. Though what did piss me off was her constant talking while I was on the phone. And I don't mean like someone saying a couple things or adding their two cents while you're on the phone, I mean her trying to have her own conversations which do not have anything to do with the subject matter she's hearing me address with the person on the phone. I think the time it most pissed me off was when I was on the phone with my Grandma. I mean come on, she knew it was my grandma because I told her before I talked. Where is the respect? Poor Grandma was trying to say things and kept stopping because Michelle kept interrupting. Finally I yelled at her and literally told her to shut up and that she could talk to me when I was through.
My little cousin Vincent talked to me. He wants to visit me in Texas. He said it would be like a slumber party. I told him that would be fun and we could watch movies and eat popcorn. His main concern? "Do you guys have ice cream down there?" I found that adorable and hillarious. Kids are so great. He made me sad though because he said "I don't understand why you can't be at my birthday party with me?" His birthday is tomorrow. He's going to be 5. I'm sad I am missing it. I love him so much, and I was such a big part of his life when he was born and younger. I babysat him for 8-10 hours every day for several months after I moved home from CMU. I practically raised that kid for a while while my aunt and uncle were both working. It was so hard moving away because I worried that he would forget me. But he hasn't. Even though he only sees me twice a year he always knows who I am and runs up to hug me. So that was a sweet conversation. He's just getting so big.
So yeah. Michelle bought me dinner and a dessert from Applebees, which is my favorite place to eat. I thought that was really nice. I was going to treat myself, but she refused to let me. Guess I can't complain. I didn't lose any money that way. We watched Beauty Shop and Sahara also, they were both good. Though I missed the first hour of Sahara because Michelle's other annoyance is that she talkes constantly through movies. She stresses me out, I swear.
Rich was able to call me. That made my day. He was the first person to call me in the morning. I was happy. We were worried he wouldn't be able to call on my birthday. In fact at the time his phone didn't have signal. They were on a mountain and the guy he was with had just a little signal so he used his phone.
I can't believe he has already been gone for two weeks. It felt slow while they were happening, but really I just stay so busy with Autumn now that time seems to be gone before I know it. I'm glad. I need it to be that way, and I'm thankful for Autumn even when she is being a trouble maker and intentionally getting into things because she thinks she is funny and knows she's cute and that I can't stay mad at her. But that behavior helps the time go on a little quicker without letting me stare at the clock and count the minutes and hours until the next day comes. I think that's going to be such a help during Rich's deployment to Iraq. Plus she's going to be even older which will be more fun. She is already pretty fun since she actually plays now. I can't wait for everyone back in Michigan to be around her again. They're gonna have a blast. I especially can't wait for my Roo to come out in December! We're going to have a girls week! She's gonna come out and we're gonna chill for a few days then we're going to have our own little road trip back to Michigan. Should be fun, and will hopefully take my mind off of Rich leaving.
Ah, I am hungry and should get lunch. Autumn will be up soon and I haven't eaten yet today so I gotta keep up my engergy. She always has so much of her own!
Thank you to everyone who called or emailed me. I felt so loved by all of you yesterday. It really helped my situation.
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: my computer humming
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September 9th, 2005
05:57 pm
| Your Birthdate: September 11 | 
Your birth on the 11th day of the month makes you something of a dreamer and an idealist.
You work well with people because you know how to use persuasion rather than force.
There is a strong spiritual side to your nature, and you may have intuitive qualities inherent in your make up, too.
You are very aware and sensitive, though often tempermental.
Although you have a good mind and you are very analytical, you may not be comfortable in the business world.
You are definitely creative and this influence tends to make you more of a dreamer than a doer. |
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August 29th, 2005
08:07 pm - 1 Day Down- 37 to go
Rich left for NTC last night. Michelle and Todd picked him up. They had to be on base by 1am and I was't about to wake Autumn up to take her with us to drop him off. Besides, in a slightly selfish way it was so much easier seeing him go that way than to take him and drop him off myself.
My heart hurts though. I miss him like crazy. I haven't cried yet, and I am going to try not to. I want to be strong for Autumn. Rich made a video for her that I am going to play every morning so she can keep seeing him and hearing his voice at the same time. We don't want her acting funny and forgetting what he looks like. Kids so young do that sometimes, and I don't want that to happen. That would kill Rich. He is already so upset and worried that she will forget him when he goes to Iraq.
So I talked to Rich earlier today, thank god for us having our new cell phones. He made it to California alright and apparently they are sleeping on cots in a big circus tent until next week. All those guys in one huge tent- that has to suck. And sadly they don't have a generator there yet so he has to wait until it comes in the next few days to be able to charge his phone. That sucks a lot because that means the more we talk on it when he does call, the more battery will be used. So we only talked for a few minutes. Apparently he is the man with the phone over there. He has the best signal (go cingular wireless!!) so that's a huge plus. When he was in El Paso and had to use phones from other guys they had crappy signal so we were always getting cut off. Hooray for that. At least for now anyway. Who knows what will happen once they actually go into the training exercise. Which by the way I think is ridiculous, because they are only going to actually be doing that for two weeks, yet they have to be out there for a month and a half. Stupid. Absolutely stupid. Just another testimony as to how much common sense the Army lacks. I won't get into that subject again though. I could go on about that crap all day long. Anyway, Rich is now two hours behind me so that sort of sucks. Especially since he hasn't had sleep. He had to be up all last night, then all day today and when they got there this morning at 10:30 this morning, it was only 8:30 there. That meant he still had to stay up all day long. I hope he was able to get a nap or something after we talked. He said he's going to call me around 10pm my time to talk. My days seem so long when he's gone. I hate not having him home at night. It's just so...lonely. I miss my friends.
Well I should go eat. Rich gets mad when he leaves and I don't eat, so since Autumn is napping, I should take advantage. Here's to getting through this month quickly and painlessly. *sigh* Wish me luck.
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: We Belong Together- Mariah Carey
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03:31 pm
Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
( See luckypurplestar's results. )
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August 16th, 2005
12:49 pm
Due to extreme boredom, here's a survey.
( I stole this from Richie's Journal )
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August 11th, 2005
10:49 am
I'm so fucking pissed right now. I have not seen Rich for more than 6 hours total this whole fucking week. He is supposed to get Friday off and have a three day weekend. But does that happen? NO. First they wanted him to have 24 hour duty on Sunday. But he is supposed to be back in the field on Monday (oh and of course when he starts the field Monday they are making it 24 hour shifts which means I won't see him AT ALL) and if he had duty on Sunday he would have Monday off. God forbid they let him miss a day, nooo, they have to take away his day off from Friday and now he has duty that day. Which of course means since it is the weekend that he doesn't get the day off after the duty because he already has Saturday off. I'm so beyond upset right now. I have no time with him and I'm all alone and just so fucking stressed. He is leaving for NTC on the 27th and we haven't had any fucking time together. He'll be in the field all day and night next week, and then he'll be back to work where I might add he's been working until like 9 at night there as it was so I won't see much of him then either. Then he is SUPPOSED to have a three day that weekend, the 20th, where they're supposed to have that stupid BBQ. With our luck he'll get fucked out of that three day too. I told him they were going to screw him out of this one, and of course I was right. This one Sgt is on Rich's ass all the time and Rich said he's the one who made the duty schedule. Now he's even more pissed at Rich because Rich went to a higher up and talked to him about the way the Sgt is treating him. Lovely. Now this asshole Sgt is out for blood because Rich got him in trouble. RAH. I'm just so fucking livid right now. I just want to spend some fucking time with my husband when he isn't going to be falling asleep mid conversation or consumed with thoughts of what he has to do for the field in the next few hours. He gets home so late, and we have a little time and it's mostly spent by him showering and us going to sleep. No time to actually watch a movie or have a decent conversation, because he has to be up at the ass crack of dawn to go back to the field and I have to be up early with Autumn. Speaking of which she hasn't seen her dad all week. Finally last night, only because she slept for 13 hours the night before since it was super dark again yesterday morning because of the second set of storms, she wasn't sure it was morning lol, anyway she was still up when he got home after 9:30 so she got to spend a little time with him. You can tell she misses him. She was so happy when he took her. And when he called yesterday my cell phone rang and she looked at me and got this big smile like she knew it was her daddy. It was so cute yet so heartbreaking at the same time. I hate how much he has to be away from her, and it is only getting worse. And now is such a crucial time, and she recognizes us and knows who we are and gets so excited to see us. He's going to be gone for almost two months and then he'll come back and she'll get all used to him again and then he'll leave for Iraq.
I can't even think straight right now. I'm so stressed and I just feel broken. I was so upset that when he told me when he called just a little bit ago that he had duty Friday I just cried. I was so mad and upset I couldn't even hold it in. It's pathetic. We had fucking plans for Friday. We were going to get the stuff in our garage ready for Todd and Michelle, and maybe even help them move if they needed it. We also have to take the car BACK to the dealership because my fucking window that they JUST fixed last week is now scratched again. I don't know why the idiots didn't consider to check the inside of the door and find out why it is scratched, but they didn't. So we were going to do that. We were going to have a nice day together, all of us and just be together and veg out and watch all the stupid movies we have from blockbuster online that we haven't watched yet and now it's all fucked.
I don't know anymore. I don't know about anything.
Current Mood: infuriated
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August 9th, 2005
11:41 am - It's raining, it's pouring...
Ah, how I love the rain. We have had several storms the past few days. The other day my power was out for an hour and a half. That part was not so fun. But I love the storms down here. The thunder shakes the house, it's fabulous. Today they said we are to expect 8-10 inches of rain. We already have 3½". It's been a steady down pour since before 7am this morning.
Rich is out in the field. He called a little while ago. He's soaked. And he said their equipment keeps getting messed up from the storm. Which of course made me wonder why they hadn't sent them home since it's not working. He of course said it just hasn't come to that yet. Naturally, anything that makes sense the Army doesn't do. I don't know why I can not grasp that concept. Perhaps because it's is the fucking dumbest concept to exist.
Rich found out that now he has 24 hour duty on Sunday. I tell ya, you get good news then bad news. He was supposed to have a 3 day weekend. Meaning only in the field until Thursday. Then having Friday, Saturday and Sunday off, then returning to the field Monday and having another 3 day weekend before they head to California. Now it will only be a 2 day weekend for him and that sucks. He has to go in at 8am Sunday morning and won't be home til 8am Monday morning. I hate that. He is already exhausted from the field and today is only his second day out there! He had to be there by 4am yesterday which meant waking up at 3, and he was out there til almost 10 last night. Then he had to be there this morning by 5:45 and who knows how long they will keep them out there. Last night he said all of 5 sentences to me he was so tired. He grabbed some food and went to sleep. It was lame. What little time we had wasn't even worth it because he could barely keep his eyes open. Stupid field.
Autumn had her appointment yesterday with her new pediatrition. She's getting so big. 27½ inches long and 18 pounds 10 ounces. It's so amazing. She kept moving around and trying to roll over and sit up when the doc was trying to examine her. It was so funny. The doctor kept saying "she's such an active baby! Keep an eye out for accidents" I'm like yeah you're not telling me anything new. The kid can't sit still. I feed her and she has an "accident" (accident=spit up) because she is bouncing around rolling everywhere. She's great though. I like the new doctor. She was very nice. Autumn cracked me up though. This doctor's office has scales for babies that are seats you put the child in, like the seats attached to the shopping carts at Walmart. Anyway they sit Autumn in it and she sticks both of her hands in the air and holds them there like she's on a damn rollercoaster. It was hillarious. She also got three shots. Poor thing. She was so brave though. The first one she didn't even cry for, but after the second one all bets were off. She didn't cry for long though. She's such a trouper.
Does anyone know a good place to download music for free?
I'm hungry. I can't believe it is already noon. That's the crappy part about stormy days, it's so gloomy and you can't tell that it's day time. Autumn stayed asleep until 9 this morning because it was so dark! I think she was confused lol. Now she's sleeping again. I should probably go eat my lunch while I have the chance to.
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/hungry_sp.gif) hungry
Current Music: Hands- Jewel
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August 3rd, 2005
09:05 am - The Early Bird Gets the Worm
I cannot believe it is already August. Time is going so fast. I suppose it always does when you want it to go slowly.
Rich has a field problem from the 8th to the 17th (I think its the 17th). He said that the commander told him if they got done in enough time they could come home every night. Would be nice. Autumn's doctor appointment is the 8th and I have my WIC appointment like on the 17th, and I wanted him to go too.
I guess his company is having a BBQ the weekend of the 20th or something. To celebrate before they go to NTC in California on the 23rd. I'm not thrilled. I don't have a reason to celebrate either. I hate when he goes, and the fact that NTC is already here scares me. They told us to be prepared for them to leave from Iraq anytime after NTC until December. I am putting all of my faith and hope in the fact that they will wait until at least December. If we're lucky, we can at least spend our second anniversary together which is November 22nd. We're missing all of our birthdays for the next two years or so as it is, so the anniversary would be a nice touch. I don't know.
This whole Iraq thing has taken over our lives and it's still (hopefully) 4 months away. We both can't stop thinking about it and out of no where one of us says "I don't want you to go" (that would be me) or "I don't want to go to Iraq" (that obviously would be Rich). I've cried so many times already just thinking of saying goodbye. That is going to be the part I don't know if I can handle. I know I can be alone and take care of Autumn. I have been alone before. I lasted a month just fine, and I can do it again for 12 of them. It's no different than when he is at work every day and I am alone taking care of her. But only he won't be coming home at the end of the day which is when it gets very lonely. Anyway, I'll suck it up because I don't have a choice. But what I cannot get myself to be strong about is saying goodbye to him. We've talked and neither one of us knows how to go about it. How do you say goodbye to your soulmate knowing it may be the last time you see them, and knowing what hell they are about to be going through. I hate what he is going to have to see and do over there. I hate this war. I don't want my husband over there sleeping with a gun and eating crappy MREs every day and living in that insane heat. Just the conditions over there that he is going to be enduring make me hate it. I feel guilty that I get to stay here with our daughter and he is going over there to protect us. He has to leave everything and live in hell for a year and miss out on everything all so we can have a paycheck and food on the table. I know it's a part of his job and I know that we knew this when he got back in the Army. It does not make this any easier. I don't know how to do it. And once we do get the goodbye over with and I have to leave him there and go back home to nothing, we wait it out six or seven months and he gets to come home for his R&R, the mid-tour break. For like 15 days. That's awesome. Except for the part where I will be counting down the days knowing that the end of each one is just closer to the day I will have to say that fucking goodbye all over again and have him leave us for another six or seven months. I'm going to be such a mess the day he leaves. We both will. I feel sick to my stomach now just thinking about it. I don't even want to think of how I will be the week before or the day before or the morning of. I'll probably throw up a hundred times and it will be worse because I won't be able to eat so there's nothing to throw up. Just feel neasous all the time. I know that's what I'll do. It's how I am. He's said the same thing about him. Which I can only imagine is a million times worse. I mean how do you prepare yourself and your mindset to go over there to a place you know is going to make you miserable.
Niki said she is going to try and visit during the time. I'm praying she can. I really need someone to be here with me. Especially to help with Autumn that day. She is going to be old enough to know what bye-bye means, and she'll understand he's leaving but she won't understand for how long. I'm glad for that though. If she knew it would make her more sad. Ah, the innocence of a child.
Speaking of Autumn, her two bottom teeth have come in. I think her top ones might be starting to come soon, she's begun to chew on her hands a lot more recently which is what she did before when her bottom two were coming in. She's also trying to crawl. It's so cute, she gets on all fours and rocks back and forth like she's revving her little engine. She's getting better at it and has even moved her legs forward a few times now. Before I know it she'll be zipping all over the place. She's sitting up pretty well too. She can't get to sitting position from the ground by herself yet, but if she's propped half way up she can pull herself to sit and she stays pretty well balanced until she decides to go roll around the living room.
I am so sad I'm awake right now. Autumn was up earlier so I got all of her food ready and when I went to get her out of her crib she was asleep again. She never does that this late in the morning. It's already almost 9:30 and she's still sleeping. Now I'm bored lol. This is not our routine. I probably should take a shower and get ready now, but I don't feel like it. I may as well wait until she takes one of her afternoon naps because she is probably just going to spit up on me or throw food on me. She threw her whole bowl of carrots down yesterday. They landed all over me and all over the floor. She's quick, that one. I didn't even see it coming. I was holding the bowl with one hand and wiping her mouth with the other and before I knew it, it was on the floor. Then she just looks at me with the cutest damn look like "I didn't do anything mom" and I couldn't help but to laugh, so then she laughed, which of course is bad parenting because now she thinks it's funny. It isn't. Just like she did when she figured out that she can pull the dvds off the shelves the other day. She pulled one off and threw it on the floor and just gave me this look like she was completely innocent and I just died laughing. She's going to be so hard to discipline! If she wasn't so damn cute, it would be much easier.
We have an FRG (Family Readiness Group, the group for spouses of soldiers they help out and provide info when the soldiers deploy and the do stuff like bbq's or bake sales etc.) meeting tonight. I guess it is at the bowling alley on base and they're having pizza. Rich and I are going to go with Autumn. What the heck, it's a dinner I don't have to cook or pay for lol. At any rate it's pretty much mandatory so we should really go. Though Rich said that he didn't know how many people would actually show up, and I wouldn't blame them. They only gave the detailed info like a day ago, so people with jobs and stuff would have no way to make it. Oh well. Should be interesting to see what goes on and if I learn anything.
Well since she's still sleeping, I think I'll upload the new pictures and email them to everyone.
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/stressed_sp.gif) stressed
Current Music: Autumn's lullabye music on the baby montior
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July 16th, 2005
07:52 am
So, Rich didn't get home until 9pm last night. Everyone else was released, but he had to stay and give something to the commander. Stupid new job of his. I'm glad he has it though because I know how much more he enjoys the whole going to work thing. But he still gets stressed now and then. Can't expect too much from a job though. Any job can be stressful at one point or another.
Rich started his college course online last night. I'm so proud of him for going back to get his BA. The courses seem to expect a lot, and I do worry about how he'll be able to do in Iraq as far as keeping up with the workload. He started some last night and I think he did great. I just hope they give him the time he needs to complete his assignments over there. I guess the guy Rich talked to said that several people are taking the course over there, so I suppose that is a plus. If they can find time, surely he will as well. Anyway, I think it's awesome that he's doing this. And I know it will make him feel better too. I know he wasn't truly ok with just getting his associate's degree. So this is a big positive.
So I woke up at like 5:30 and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. Joy. I hate when that happens, and it seems as though it happens a lot lately. Pretty damn annoying. Actually having the opportunity to get some much desired rest, and my mind and body fail me and don't allow me to take it.
I've been itching to work on Autumn's care bear cross stitch I started, but I need to get a ring for it to help me work on the areas I'm working on. The piece is large so it's hard to hold it when the stitching needs to be done in the middle. Maybe we'll go to walmart today and pick one up so I can do some of it.
Man I don't know what it is lately, but I have been getting some crazy bills. My cell phone company tried to charge me $618 for our bill this past month. That was some crazy shit right there. We called them up though and turns out they definitely made a mistake. They were charging us every couple days at a time $0.40 a minute AND they didn't have us listed as free mobile to mobile, which means all of the calls Rich and I made to each other's cells were charged for and that isn't how it was supposed to be. The lady told me it was something about how if you have a contract that expires you have to re-add the mobile to mobile thing but in the next breath she pointed out that since I was a new customer it was to be included and someone messed up. I don't care how it happened anymore, I'm just happy that I'm not being charged all of that. My bill will be normal, thank god.
Then the day before yesterday we get this bill in the mail for $992 from the hospital I had my gallbladder taken out it. They said they were charging me for my anesthesia, which is a bunch of bologna, because my insurance was supposed to cover all of it. They even had sent me something stating that the total was $14000 and that it was covered. Naturally that paper was misplaced lol, but thankfully I didn't need it. We called and my insurance company said that the place already had a check in the mail. Definite relief, because that is a very large bill and I was not digging the fact that we may have to pay it. Speaking of the subject though, what is with the price of medical care! OMG. I feel awful for people without insurance. Like my friend who has all these hospital bills, and to top it all off they never even figured out what was wrong with her. What the hell! Medicaid straight up told her that she'd only be able to get them if she was a single mother. How fucked up is that? I'm all about helping the single moms and all, and having had a baby myself and being alone with it for quite a good chunk of time now, being the sole care provider, I have tons of respect for them too. But I don't think they are the only ones who deserve help either when it comes to insurance. My friend has a job, she isn't just sitting on her ass at home, but her job doesn't happen to offer insurance. Without insurance she can't find a doctor who will see her. It's just such a crazy messed up cycle. Stupid government. I wonder if we'll ever get it right.
Maybe I will kill time and do the last part of that survey now. Rich is sleeping and Autumn went back to sleep.
( the end of it all )
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/purple/awake_sp.gif) awake
Current Music: chip and dale theme song. Don't ask.
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July 15th, 2005
10:56 am
Not in a spectacular mood today. Feeling rather icky about myself for some reason. I miss Rich. His class was canceled but instead he has to go to work. At least he will be home for lunch, and thank god for it being Friday and we'll have the weekend. Got paid, so that means grocery shopping. This class has been killer on our time together. He can't come home at lunch for the lack of time they give him and how it wastes gas to drive all the way here for only 20 mins. He hasn't been coming home in the morning after PT either in an effort to save gas. It sucks. I only see him after class, which is usually around 5:30. It seems like we just don't have the time together. We're trying to get Autumn her dinner, trying to make and eat ours, finish up stuff here and there, then we're both so tired and it gets so late. Blah.
Autumn is napping. She is cutting two teeth right now. I can see both of them, the tips have pushed through. They're so cute and little. I can't even believe she's already old enough to get teeth! It's going too fast. She's rolling over like crazy and has this thing about getting on her belly at night now when she's sleeping. Some nights it is fine, others she has a fit when she wakes up like that. I don't know why, because she knows how to roll over from it and does so all the time but she's apparently lazy at night and wants someone else to turn her over. She rolled all the way across the living room floor the other day. Before I know it she's going to be walking. She's been eating squash, sweet potatoes, and carrots. We're going to probably start her on the green veggies next week. Life goes by so quickly.
I miss my friends. I wish people could visit. I hate that part of living so far away. I know it costs money to get here, just like it costs me money to get there. I think transportation should be free damnit. Gas, plane tickets...yeah that'd work for the economy lol. But it would help me. I just want to be visited darnit all. Niki was supposed to visit in May but couldn't, and July or August but that obviously couldn't work out otherwise she'd be here now. I'm worried she won't make it back out until forever. Lisa may visit, but I don't know. Brandy was going to come out this month but had some hospital bills and now can't. She'll be here in January anyhow, but I'd like for it to be sooner. Rach and Em keep saying they're going to visit but lack of money and time off of work are scarce for them. Em said that they would visit before December, but I'm not holding my breath. I just want someone I'm close to to be here. I miss having friends I guess. Being back in Michigan was so nice and I got to hang out with my friends and visit and do stuff. Now I'm back here and I'm just so damn lonely.
I dunno. I gotta go shower while I still have a chance.
Peace-Love-Monkeys
xoxo
( survey part 3 )
Current Mood: crappy
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